In this pair of scenes from one of the better post-Conan fantasy movies, first a random village girl (played by unknown) is chained up in the dungeon about to be cut up by tyrant Cromwell's head torturer Verdugo, when she's rescued by one of the hero's old friends, who peels the man's head open like a grape on a grinding wheel. Next, at the height of an insurrection during his forced marriage to Princess Alanna (played by the supremely hot Kathleen Beller), Cromwell kidnaps her (again) and leads her away bound and gagged with red scarves, only to be intercepted by the stalwart hero Talon.
Things We Learned From Watching this Movie:
1. Resurrecting demonic sorcerers is always a bad career move.
2. Magical tri-bladed swords are pneumatically powered.
3. Evil tyrants don't believe in good gardening.
4. Proper royal young women like to knee men in the 'nads when they're in a bad mood.
5. Nothing stops a rape in progress like a good slap in the head with a ham hock.
6. When crashing through a window, try to land on a naked harem girl, she might just turn around and save your life one day.
7. The heir to the throne doesn't mind that you're only trying to save his kingdom so you can sleep with his little sister.
8. Crucifixion is a minor inconvenience, and huge gaping holes through both hands don't stop you from wielding a sword.
9. Never plan to assassinate every other king in the world on your wedding day, it upsets the natives.
10. Gold lame' makes bad armor.
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